endeveren

Whether one believes in divine creation of mankind or selfish genetic composition, it is no doubt that language is, unlike us, purely human invention to facilitate communication. Words, grammar, punctuations ... they are no match for the finesse we observe in ourselves. And in our feelings, our emotions, which often appear outworldly. It is not unnatural for us to feel lost in trying to express our experience. Even the most masterly crafted sentence may barely manage to skim the surface. On the other hand, art especially poetry, contains the potential to exhume the deepest. For, the meaning of a poem is not in its lines but in the feelings it evokes. But can they help us lay our heart bare and vivid? I don't know ... but I try nonetheless. For it is the only way I know.

Possibly this was best said in the poem-V of Tennyson's In Memoriam

I sometimes hold it half a sin
To put in words the grief I feel:
For words, like Nature, half reveal
And half conceal the Soul within.

But, for the unquiet heart and brain,
A use in measured language lies;
The sad mechanic exercise,
Like dull narcotics, numbing pain.

In words, like weeds, I'll wrap me o'er,
Like coarsest clothes against the cold;
But that large grief which these enfold
Is given outline and no more.

Marvelously simple, isn't it?

DATE

You needn't care about my birthday.

What does it matter if it is Nov 7th or January 18th or ... for that matter ... e.g. May 20th. June 16th ... or anything you pick up from your tabletop calendar.

You will get a Lindt bar for answering this. When did we celebrate the birthday of Dr Martin Luther King Jr ?

You might reply, and you shalt if you are concerned about this country (USA) and hence your's too, January 19th. One day before the presidential inauguration. But if you are also careful, not a remarkable trait in this world of hi-tech gadgets, you would append in 2009. 'Cause the revered champion of human rights was born on January 15th, 1929. Did I hear a "Touche!" ?

You don't need the exact dates to remember any event. The grid of numbers, arranged by month and year, is our invention to enforce unanimity and bookmark days. And it is jolly well good at these. A calendar is ubiquitous now and no one questions its usefulness, even those who detest democracy. Nevertheless at the end of the day, it is merely a tool. And once in a while, we prefer our hand to a knife for shredding papers.

Sometimes events are of importance to the family, community, country or universe (do Martians care about Earth Day ?). To solemnise such events, we need to mark the day and synchronise it across the interested parties. But sometime events are like goosebumps during a Verdi opera. Where past is existential, present strew with virtual memories and future somber, days and months seem irrelevant. Just as hard it is to handpick a few good lines from a poetry.

Yet ... we are not perfect. There are always moments of weakness. So when the whole world shall rejoice, I shall also want to commemorate. At least wish. And probably I will. Ekla, nijer mone mone.

Ode to you, flower

When winter comes, can spring be far behind ?

Peeking outside my window, it seems spring has arrived with its wardrobe of pink finery. Looking inside, it is nevertheless winter. Summer is actually a good time. Green leaves, summer flowers, genteel nature. Then there is autumn, or fall as they say here. Suddenly love is in the air ... trees, riverside walks, even the clouds floating in the river look happy. Then strides in winter. It eventually starts getting depressing and you dream of the good ol' times. You cannot wait for the spring, because often future will not replay the past.

You remember the sparkle in the raindrop on a leaf that few even cared to notice, you remember the smile of the bar girl that was not to earn extra tip, you remember the sudden flutter of the pigeons when you walked past them ... all the silly moments that enriched your life nonetheless. Sometimes the phoenix rises without a purpose, just to glorify the fact that imagination need not die... my voice of appreciation for some such moments that I witnessed (a snippet):

...
Ode to you
O' flower of life.
Ode to your dance in the breeze,
The spirit you hide,
in the core of your heart.
Your grace in the sun,
Sing an ode to thee.

Island of Oil

Have you ever dropped water in oil ? Broke egg in water (if you haven't ... you have to make egg poach for yourself - they are healthy, easy to make and delicious).

The yellow yolk is guarded by the super-hero egg whites. As if the tender yolk, the seed of life, has created a world within world for itself.

I think we learn from nature and we ought to. She teaches us all the million different ways to protect ourselves, to ensure only the fittest survives, to grind teeth and fight through the bad nights, which she has been doing since the first seed germinated in this blue-green heaven.

I am about to slip into this world into world mode. Catch me if you can. I am media shy but then again I am not running for Oscars this year ... ok... I am also people shy. Now I will be visible even less. What might be noticeable is my e-visibility. Expect replies to take time. Profiles to disappear suddenly ... all these and more.

I will blog though... since this is my only outlet of pent up emotions. Well... no one reads my blog anyway... so no one should care. Don't expect any useful information in this blog - there won't be any. Call my secretary to know about my next meeting with the President.

Me and Night (edited)

On Friday, I watched Grease (good musical, not so good movie for my gen, the play must be wonderful).
On Saturday, I finished Eleven minutes (the first 140 pages enlightening, rest 120 pages were wisdom I was not looking for... more later).
On Sunday, I watched Gran Torino (its not your average gang movie ... I should write about it).
On Friday, I propose (presentation almost ready ... but I should shut myself off till Friday 4pm).

And last night I had a dream. I previously posted a poetic rendering of it but I should not have done so. Dreams are very very personal experience; words already endanger its fidelity and public broadcasting is akin to a dire sin.

It was like a dream within a dream. I was lying awake in my dream ... disturbed ... like I am usually at night. And then ... when ...

...
রাত্রে তখন চাঁদের সাথে মেঘের খেলা শেষ ।
সন্ধ্যা রাতের গজল গীতের ফুরিয়ে গেছে রেশ ।
বুকভাঙ্গা যত প্রেমিকের,
পেটে খিদে নিয়ে
কাঁদতে কাঁদতে
ঘুমিয়ে পড়া শিশুদের
জননী,
হাহাকারকে ভাগ্য ভেবে ঘুমায় ক্লান্ত দেশ ।
জোনাকি নিভে আসে,
...

there was this moment of Zen after which I fell asleep in my dream and possibly soon after woke up in reality. That moment stays etched in memory, it was august, space filled with the divine fragrance of aguru, cool breeze from the cloud covered moon caressed me and there was a sudden sense of peace, in my dream within dream. It was very peaceful and it had a spiritual effect on me even after I woke up, woke up to the real world, to get ready for mundane chores. I put them in words soon after but I am sure they could not transgress the experience.

PS: Title inspired by something N. said long ago.

Captive mind

It sucks to be a prisoner of my own choice.

I want to go somewhere and I cannot simply because I choose not to.
I found someone has a new homepage and I cannot three-cheer simply because I am not allowing myself.
I want to drop in unannounced to say "hi" but I will not because I want to act socially correct.
I want to crash the party when someone gets a new job but I should not because I myself made me unwelcome.

Or maybe its just my Karma. The choice was already made ... and now I am only supposed to understand "why ?".

Or maybe its just the way the world stage is. Our actions and decisions are entwined with others. Coincidences and consequences make a lot of choices for us.

These feelings are therapeutic - "not you, not you" they say. Yet, I make my life difficult and ponder about the why and how of my captive mind ... in my own little world inside the world.

Anyway ... to all the good things out there, the really really good ones ... the kind which, maybe even just for a few seconds, teleports my mind to the tranquil island in this otherwise rushing world ... and I pause, maybe physically but at least emotionally, and appreciate the vivacity of simple joy ... I am really really glad you are out there.

Thanks and kudos.

PS: I know I am supposed to stay away from blogging and stuff for the next few days ... but it is hard since this is the only outlet of my thoughts.

Movie, music and mind with a spot of blood

Tomorrow (31st Jan) is Holy Saraswati Puja. She is the Goddess of learning and all things related. That includes art, literature, music (it conveniently skips out the evil ones like the art of nuke making but I'll leave that debate to our forefathers). On the matter at hand, I realised that since the last couple of weeks I am been living on music, movies and books.

Literally ... music is running nearly 24x7 (sometimes when I am off to bed I keep some Bach concert or WCRB FM running). I have refused myself even a pint of idleness ... Eh bien! At least I try hard (not much success though). I was introduced to western (alternative/indie) rock by someone a few weeks ago and ... I must confess ... now all I listen to is alternative rock (except classical during late nights). Once in a while I sidestep into mainstream rock or some other genres but I have found myself most comfortable with alternative rock. Is it human nature to like old songs ... why don't they write songs like those in the 60s/70s anymore ? I didn't quite like Coldplay - Snow Patrol is better ... Nirvana is too weird. Maybe I am biased towards Piano over Guitar, but I have grown a soft corner for Sir Elton Hercules John. And no ... I still think a lot of the current rock music is basically noise with catchy tune and feet-tapping beats ... why do they even bother to have vocal ?!

Thanks to Youtube and Pandora, I can listen to the famous songs hand picked by enthusiasts - thanks folks. I also noticed I like male artists better; this is strange since I prefer female Bangla adhunik artists over male voice. I bought a few singles and CDs - too bad you can't buy most of the Beatles singles online. I am really glad I discovered this new liking since the Bangla and Hindi songs I like are old and limited in number and I simply cannot tolerate the new ones. Last week I went to a (FREE!!! Yay!) concert by the famous Muir String Quartet - that was also very good. Anyone has an original CD-pack for the Elton John 1970-2002 hits for sale, including the "bonus CD"? This seems to be hard to find anywhere... ahh... I just started listening and I am already acting picky :-) ... somethings just simply won't change.

I am not feeling very well these days ... kind of feeling sloppy every time, not my usual energetic self. Something is missing. Sleep is also irregular - it does not help that my room always gets very dry when heating is turned on.

There is no one interesting to talk to ... too much information is in the ether and not much wisdom. Nowadays I listen to what books have to say. On my turn, I write blog or diary (yes ... a new friend). I finished a few books lately. Currently I am reading Paulo Coelho's "Eleven minutes". I will write about it when I am done; in short, it is about a girl who tries to find love in a strange way. Maybe unintended, but the books puts me face to face in front of some challenging questions about life. Provocative and dark ... my kind.

Of course, I am thinking about research when I am supposed to ... that is most of the time I am my awaken self (rule #1 for a grad student). My proposal got deferred to next week. Wish me luck. I am dancing close but still a few steps away from my love and cannot find a way to get closer ... I hope I get her eventually. I have been thinking on this problem for a long long time but she is nowhere close to "Yes" even after a few initial kisses.

When tired of thinking and not in the mood of Maria's view on love, I am watching movies. Boston Public Library has a good collection of DVDs. This week I am planning to watch Che and Gran Torino - the latter got a good review by the Rolling Stone and I just _have_ to watch the former - c'mon it is about Che. I watched 2 of the 5 best picture Academy nominations for this year and I should say this is a bad year for movies ... neither Slumdog nor Benjamin Button is that great a movie (and can someone enlighten me what is so great about Slumdog ... it's a good one but not worth all these shouts). The Oscar committee should think about skipping the best picture award this year, just out of respect to previous awardees.

Idle moments are bad ... bloody. This I know since my IIT-K days. It has become worse lately. It is hard to remain spotless in this ruthless world but I am trying to ameliorate.

Speaking of music, I really liked the "Working on a Dream" song from Springsteen's latest album. I bought the song. He will be performing in Boston in April and I really wanna wanna go see his perform live... anyone has an extra $300 lying around ?

New blog for ranting

My tendency to poke my nose, which isn't large by physical dimensions, in worldly chaos to fix everything has often landed me in deep deep red-hot-chilly soup. I have decided to move my mental miscalculations to Debug Kolkata (which should be renamed Debug All). Stays here are my personal opinion about ... well ... me, myself and him. Not your kind of thing.

My existence is an experience

We are all condamnés . . .: we are all under sentence of death but with a sort of indefinite reprieve . . .: we have an interval, and then our place knows us no more. Some spend this interval in listlessness, some in high passions, the wisest, at least among "the children of this world," in art and song. For our one chance lies in expanding that interval, in getting as many pulsations as possible into the given time (….)

-- Walter Pater, "Conclusion," The Renaissance: Studies in Art and Poetry, 1868(1)

Today I chanced upon this wonderful perspective on the meaning of living. I had sort of decided a purpose of my living during my early twenties. I call it greater good ... more on that later. Recently, I got a chance to fill in the last blank - the meaning of living. It was worth it ... to actually experience what it means to live. The above quote summarizes my experience in a very nice way, though taken out of context but extremely befitting.

Word of caution: don't take the quote literally, interpret it without any reservations to appreciate it fully.

Past, Present and then Tomorrow

I couldn't say a lot of things that I wanted to say,
I said a lot of things that meant nothing anyway,
Why did this happen ? Know not but am sad.
Will I get to dream again ? Will I have it my way ?

Just like a dog chasing a car,
I will chase what made me me.
And if clouds come and hide the sun,
Candles in my memory, I will light them to see.

People like me never get what they want.
We still never give up, though we know we fail.
Only if the road is dug and we are exiled.
We are forced to stop and tell a new tale.

I still want to sleep, talk and think.
I still want to sing the old song.
Afraid to dream, to remember what I could have had.
Another day has started and now I should be strong.

Give me a chance to set it all right.
Give me a clock whose hands can go back.
Let me chase a car that stops once in a while.
Hope for them and get going on my track.

6+ years in Boston is a long ... long ... time

despair management

What do you when you are sad ? See, sometimes things happen and you can either choose to feel sad or angry. The choice is subconscious; not like you have to decide between Campbell or Progresso soup, right then and there. Depending on your nature, you are biased towards anger or sadness. And then there is the split second ARGH! moment ... certain things happen ... based on the current moment, circumstances ... and the next moment you are either sad or angry.

It's better to be angry. Well... anger is not good your mental (and physical, if you are the angry-dad kind) health. Anger is also not good for anyone around you. It's actually not good for anyone, not even the dolphins. Still it is better because there are ways to tame anger and stabilise oneself before much damage is done.

What can you do when you are angry ? I am not usually angry since I *know* anger is not helpful. I wish I always didn't know things I know. But you can tear papers, storm out, shout, scream, go to a boxing ring or watch WWE. Or do many things that do not cause severe damage.

What do I do when I am sad ? I am sad when I have exhausted all possibilities to proceed. More, when external factors like coincidences and consequences of actions not under my control, forces me to halt. When destiny takes over me, for good or bad. Actually, you can never know if destiny would do good till 5 more years - right ? So, we always tend to drag destiny whenever the current scenario is unacceptable. In all of these cases and more, I feel sad.

The kind of person I am, I just let myself burn in my sadness. Burn burn burn ... till there is nothing left to burn. It's like swallowing a large piece of burning coke - hard to swallow but harder to throw out. And it _will_ cause pain.

Mon ami, if you have a better suggestion, leave me a comment. Thanks in advance.